Seven Subtle Signs Your Relationship Isn’t As Strong As You Think (And What To Do About It)

Most relationships don’t blow up.
They quietly wither.

Not with a dramatic betrayal, but with sighs, eye-rolls, forgotten rituals, and unspoken resentments.
Small, ordinary moments that feel “normal” until one day, they’re not.

Here are seven subtle signs your relationship might be weakening, and what you can do to shift them.

1. The way you speak about them says a lot

Do you talk with respect and affection?
Or do you find yourself complaining, making digs, turning them into the punchline of a joke?

The words you use don’t just shape how others see your partner. They reshape how you see them.

Research shows the way couples describe each other, even when the partner isn’t present, is a powerful predictor of long-term satisfaction (Karney & Bradbury, 1995).

What to do: Notice your tone. If you complain often, ask yourself: Am I venting, or am I avoiding a conversation I need to have directly? Respect doesn’t mean suppressing frustration. It means addressing it at the source.

2. You start moulding them

This one is sneaky. You subtly shape the other person into your version of them.
A suggestion here. A raised eyebrow there. A push to change habits or opinions.

It looks like care, but it’s actually control.

Ask yourself honestly: What do I truly love about them, without changing them?
If the answer feels thin, you may be loving the idea of them, not who they are.

What to do: Pause the fixing. For anything you feel they “lack,” ask yourself: What need of mine isn’t being met? Then discuss it openly. The very thing you want might be something they can meet in their own way, not yours.

3. You save your best self for others

At work, you’re patient. With friends, you’re light. But at home, you’re drained, sharp, distracted.
It feels normal. But over years, it quietly teaches the other person: “You get my scraps.”

The Harvard Study of Adult Development shows our wellbeing depends more on the quality of our closest relationships than on money or status (Waldinger & Schulz, 2010).

What to do: Before blaming busyness, ask: Why do I give my best to others, not here? Is it safety, habit, resentment? Choose one daily moment to give your partner your prime energy, even just 10 minutes.

4. Contempt sneaks in

It doesn’t usually start with screaming. It starts with tone.
The sigh.
The eye-roll.
The sarcastic “Of course you’d forget.”

Decades of research by psychologist John Gottman found contempt to be the number one predictor of divorce (Gottman & Levenson, 2002). Why? Because contempt doesn’t just criticise behaviour. It says: “I’m better than you.”

That’s the quiet poison. Contempt feeds the ego. But beneath superiority is usually something unspoken: a need for recognition, or a resentment that has never been addressed.

What to do: When contempt rises, pause and ask: What wound is this pointing to? What need or resentment have I buried instead of naming? Drop the ego and bring that truth forward. Contempt is often the surface symptom, not the real illness.

5. Shared rituals slip away

The morning coffee. The Friday walk. The weekly phone call.
You miss it once, then again. Soon, it’s gone. Not with a decision, but with neglect.

Family research shows rituals are “the glue” that maintains connection and identity (Fiese et al., 2002).

What to do: Ask yourself: Why did we stop? Sometimes it’s busyness. Sometimes it’s avoidance. Reinstate one tiny ritual, whether that’s coffee, a walk, or Sunday dinner. Rituals don’t need to be big, they need to be consistent.

6. One always leads, the other always follows

At first, it looks practical: one person books the holidays, manages the finances, even pushes for personal development, while the other just tags along.

But over time, the leader feels like a parent carrying the weight. The follower feels like a child being judged.

Research on marital dynamics shows unequal initiative predicts lower satisfaction (Huston & Vangelisti, 1991).

What to do: Instead of saying “You never take initiative,” reflect: Do I leave space for them to lead? Identify each other’s strengths and divide the labour in ways that feel fair. Maybe one handles money, the other social life. The point isn’t symmetry. It’s shared influence.

7. The laughter fades

Not overnight, but as life fills with bills, kids, and deadlines, everything gets serious.
Too serious.

We stop allowing space for mistakes. Instead of laughing at the burnt dinner or the forgotten keys, we scold ourselves, or each other. Perfectionism replaces play, and the relationship feels more about managing life than enjoying it.

But laughter at mistakes isn’t careless. It’s connection. Research shows gratitude and humour together build resilience and emotional safety (Fredrickson, 2001; Algoe et al., 2010).

What to do: I know it’s easier said than done. But start small: when something goes wrong, pause before blaming. Try gratitude instead: “Thanks for trying,” “At least we’re in this together.” Gratitude softens the edges, and laughter has room to come back.

The Quiet Danger

These don’t look like red flags. They look like everyday life. That’s why most people miss them.

But relationships don’t usually die from lack of love.
They die from lack of attention.

The words you use. The moulding. The scraps. The contempt. The rituals that fade. The imbalance of one leading, the other following. The laughter gone.

If you notice these, it doesn’t mean it’s over.
It means the relationship is asking you to wake it back up.

Because intimacy doesn’t vanish overnight.
It fades, unless you choose to notice.

And the good news? These patterns aren’t fate. They’re habits. And habits can be retrained, just like any other muscle.

That’s why I built Weaver: a relationship gym to strengthen the skills that stop intimacy from fading. So your career success never comes at the cost of closeness.

References

• John Gottman’s research on contempt as the number one predictor of divorce (2002).

• The Harvard Study of Adult Development on relationships and wellbeing (Waldinger & Schulz, 2010).

• Studies on family rituals (Fiese et al., 2002).

• Research on marital power dynamics (Huston & Vangelisti, 1991).

• Research on gratitude and humour in resilience (Fredrickson, 2001; Algoe, Gable & Maisel, 2010; Aune & Wong, 2002).

• Karney & Bradbury’s longitudinal study of marital satisfaction (1995).